The last trip home

Taira stared at the stars in the sky. She couldn't stop looking at them, and she couldn't sleep because they were just so bright- she couldn't believe she had gotten this used to the darkness. They twinkled and shone, and with the daylight star gone and the moon almost asleep the stars had all the heavens for themselves. They were so bright and wonderful, those little dots of light who alone were so small but together they managed to shine so bright, a confirmation of the heavens still being there, watching over them.

She couldn't believe the others were asleep. How could they sleep while everything was so bright? The past few nights, they had been sleeping in inns, but here they did not have that luxury. Tomorrow they would reach Kiyoi, Taira was sure- another reason she couldn't sleep. What would he say? Would he be angry with them? Thinking of how sad they would make him hurt her stomach.

Kiyoi... all Taira could remember was a smiling, happy man who loved his family to bits. She remembered him teaching Meran how to dry herbs, she remembered him and Ruki trying to convince Câlin that sometimes you did have to pick flowers, and yes, sometimes it was for the benefit of the plant also.

She had forced Ruki to stay at home. She had wanted to come, but Ruki was already so upset and sad- it would not do her good to come on the journey. And her daughter still had much to prepare for. Thankfully, it had not taken much energy to convince her of staying home- but it had been more difficult to convince Yuuro to come. He had wanted to stay with Ruki, something Taira understood all too well.

But Yuuro was strong so they needed him to pull the cart, and Taira very much wanted to talk to him alone. She hadn't done so yet though. Fjaril and the two other men who had offered to come were always around, and she still had plenty of time on the way back. Her mind was too occupied with other things now, and Twinkle Star who was lying on the cart was the least of them. She just couldn't address her daughter's upcoming wedding yet.

She remembered when Yuuro had come to Fjaril and her to ask permission to marry their daughter. It had been hard... painful somehow, for Taira had wanted Ruki to be a child a little bit longer still. Had she truly missed all of her childhood? She had hoped, somewhere deep inside, that there still was a part of that left of which she could be a part of. But that was over now... she would never again be the mother she had once longed to be.

But that didn't mean they had said no. She couldn't have wished for a better son in law. Yuuro was kind, sweet, and he would do anything to protect Ruki. Of course they had given him their permission. But that was not the memory that had been keeping her awake the past few nights. The thing she kept seeing was not Yuuro's eyes, full of love, but the sound of defeat in her mother's voice that lingered in her mind.

Every minute, the conversation she had had with her mother right before they had departed was playing in her head. Not even for a moment could she forget the words of her mother, the things she said and what it meant once she returned. They had kept Twinkle Star's body for a week, so that ponies could pay their final respect. They held a big ceremony the day before Taira and the others had departed. When the stars came out, Regina had approached her.

“Taira... I need to talk to you before you leave.” Taira had been tired, and she had a long journey coming up.
“Does it have to be now, mother? I'm tired, and I want to rest before we leave tomorrow morning. The trip will be hard, in more than one way.”
Taira had almost walked away when Regina stopped her.

“Yes, it has to be now. Because I need you to know this before you leave, and I'm afraid I won't have time to talk with you in private. And I want you to know this before we tell anyone else, when you get back.” Taira's curiosity had been awakened, because she had had no idea what her mother wanted from her, so she had decided to hear Regina out.

“Okay. Bring it on.” She had said.
“Taira, I... when you spoke to me on the field the day of the daylight star, about bringing Twinkle Star back... you were right. Of course you were right. I should have seen it too. But I let my judgment be clouded by my own emotions. I am no longer as strong as I once was. I am growing older, Taira.”

Of course, Taira had known that. She had seen it every day- the emotional burdens her mother carried around seemed to get heavier with each passing moment, and as the queendom grew, so did the burdens of ruling it. But Taira hadn't allowed herself to dwell on that thought for very long- because for her, her mother growing older had great consequences.

“What you did and what you said... you showed me you are ready, Taira. By stepping up like that, by not letting your emotions take over in such a situation, those are the signs of a real queen. You might still have some things to learn, but I do think you are ready to follow after me. When you get back, it is time for you to become queen.”

Becoming queen... Even Taira had to admit it was time. Her mother could not handle the pressure anymore and she knew enough. She had formed a bond with the country beyond what she had thought herself capable off, and enough time had passed for ponies to get to know her, after all the horrible things she had done under Aras' influence. And what was even more important... she had been able to confirm for herself that she had been able to leave it all behind. She was under no one's control now but her own.

But was it truly enough? Could she do this? Could she really be a queen and rule? Could she really apply justice to those who needed it and could she fairly split the benefits? Taira had no idea. But, as Fjaril had pointed out to her that night, she wasn't alone. He was there for her, and Regina was still around to support her, as was the rest of her family. She got along well enough with Ivy, and Aline, well... she did her job properly, though Taira secretly wondered if it wouldn't be better for her to step down.

To be a queen... Taira secretly still wondered what it meant. She knew the words and the actions that went with them. To rule, to govern, to oversee, to judge, to take care... but she knew there was something else, something more deep down that she just couldn't identify. She'd only know once she was queen herself, she supposed.

Taira couldn't recall when she had finally dozed off. Was it before she had imagined herself sitting on the throne, listening to ponies unhappy about her reign, or after? Yet when she opened her eyes again she heard the others move about to prepare breakfast and the sun was shining. It was morning, and in the light of day she saw how close they were to Kiyoi's house.

She forced herself to get up and joined her husband, Yuuro and the other two men for breakfast. None of them said anything. They all knew they would arrive today... and none of them was particularly looking forward to that. Once again, a memory of Twinkle Star and her family flashed before her eyes.

Still, there was no sense in delaying the inevitable, so they packed their things and continued. As they had the cart with them, they could not go through the forest, for the path was way too small in there, so they had been forced to go all the way around. It wasn't a big forest, to be sure, but circling around it still took all of the morning and most of the afternoon.

Only when Taira's tummy announced it definitely was dinner time did they reach the bridge over the Fiume river. Everything was quiet as they momentarily halted in front of the bridge. Everything was so quiet... Looking at the forest and the small house, all Taira could remember was happy noises and laughter.

“Let's do this.” Fjaril said as he continued pulling the cart. Taira walked ahead of them, leading the way to the house. The small open space in front of the house was deserted, and Taira didn't hear any noise coming from the house either. Were they not at home? They could very well be in the forest, Taira reflected. Lots of fruits and berries were ripe in this time of year. They'd just have to wait.

Yet when she stopped in front of the house, the door opened and Kiyoi stepped out. He was carrying a large basket and obviously on his way to the forest. Taira saw no sign of the girls. “Taira.” Kiyoi stated coldly.

“Hello... Kiyoi.” Taira suddenly didn't know what to say. She had practiced this conversation in her head so many times, but all the comforting and apologetic words she had come up with had completely disappeared into thin air. Would he know? Of course he knew, Taira told herself. Twinkle Star isn't here, and the cart... even he can guess. But then why wasn't he shocked? Or surprised?

“You don't have to tell me. I already know.”
“You do? How?” Taira gasped. How could he possibly know?
“Câlin told me. Well... screamed at me.” Kiyoi sighed as he put his basket on the floor. “I didn't think you'd bring her back. Thank you for that, Taira.” Out of all the possible reactions Taira had envisioned, this was definitely not one of them.

“Câlin... told you?” Taira stammered.
“Yes. That girl... she and Twinkle Star share... shared an unusual bond. So when it happened... in the middle of the night, I woke up to screaming. Câlin was... she had fallen into complete despair, and all she could do was cry and scream for her mother. It lasted all night, and a day, and another night...

She kept yelling that she was gone, that her mother was really gone, that she passed on into the heavens... I kind of guessed that something went wrong, that Twinkle Star was... gone. But Câlin... I never had time to mourn because I had to look after her. She didn't drink, she didn't eat... She kept crying even way after her tears had dried up.”

Kiyoi slowly approached the cart, on which Twinkle Star lay under a blanket.
“After two days, I had no choice but to send her to the nurse in the village. She was starving from thirst, but she refused anything. I'm sorry, Twinkle Star... that I couldn't handle it alone.” Small tears escaped his eyes as he lifted a hoof and put it on the cart.

“Is she still there? In the hospital?” Taira asked.
“Yes... she is. She's doing a little better now though. She has at least been drinking and she calmed down. Meran is there now... she doesn't understand at all. She keeps saying mommy will come back soon, and that Câlin didn't have to worry because she promised... How do I make her understand what death means?”

“I...” Twinkle Star started, but when she saw Kiyoi breaking down over Twinkle Star's body she couldn't finish her sentence. He held her body, which was still covered by the blanket, crying her name over and over again.
“I'm so sorry Twinkle Star... I should have... I couldn't.... I...” Taira didn't understand what he was apologizing for, but she understood how he felt all the same.

“We will just... leave you alone with her.” Fjaril said as he urged Taira and the others to follow him. Taira followed her husband out into the fields, away from the cart and the house and the forest.
“We will have to find a place to sleep in the village, I think. We can't sleep there with all of us. Not because of the size, but... He needs space to mourn.” Fjaril said when they were on the road, a little further away.

“I guess you're right. Do you think he'll be okay, though? On his own?” Taira asked, severely doubting that.
“He seems like a strong person. But we all must grieve... let him mourn the woman he loved.”
Taira glanced at her husband, knowing he had lost so much. His friends, his parents, his country... it had all faded away before his eyes. Like no one else, Fjaril understood grief and pain, so Taira decided to agree with him.

“Okay. Let's find a place to sleep for tonight then. We'll return tomorrow and we will explain what happened then.” She said as she turned on the path. Following the setting sun, they silently walked towards the town ahead of them. Tomorrow... she would have to say goodbye to Twinkle Star forever.